Monday, October 15, 2012

there is nothing more terrifying than feeling like you are drowning. the swell of life pulling you back and under into the darkness. i have never felt more alone, worthless, ill equipped, guilty, angry, short tempered, jealous, sad...unbelievably sad, than i have felt in the last 10 months.

post partum depression has made me it's bitch.

i have done everything as natural as possible to treat it. everything.

i cannot figure it out. i am at the weakest point of my entire life. i wear it on my face, the heaviness pulls my shoulders down to a sad frown. i don't give a shit about anyone or anything. i feel like most people who were/are in my life have contributed to this. the friends who said they were my best, and yet here i am and they are no where to be found. i read so many blogs and see the faces on instagram and i want to SCREEEEEEEEAM at your perfect lives, with perfect lighting, perfect views, perfect.

trapped. trapped with two of the most gorgeous beings i have ever laid eyes on.

i made the call about 20 minutes ago. big people drugs will be entering my veins soon. hopefully i will have some peace now. some quiet, in my soul. my tears have lost their salt from the constant pour. i want it to end. i NEED it to end.

i am so tired.

everyone loves the pregnant girl.
everyone forgets the post partum girl.

1 comment:

Andrea said...

oh mAN, girl post pardum SUCKS!!!!! I will be thinking of you. Your last two sentences are so so so true.Keep holding on for the ones you locve, those beautiful kids, and for YOU. Love you!