Newness.

So let's start with.... Sorry I have been gone so long! I haven't even logged on in the past 3 months and just a couple of days ago I checked my stats. Last month alone I had almost 300 views and I have not written anything new in ages. I started to feel bad. I had been thinking about blogging again, so this kind of confirmed that I needed to.

I'm sure you've noticed the name change. This summer has been, without a doubt, the hardest in my life yet. I started thinking if I want to blog again I cannot do it under the false pretense that I am some extraordinary mom or better yet, person. I am in fact none of that. I struggle everyday just to get out of bed, make it to the kitchen for Scout's "strawberrry nilk" and plop back on the couch and wait for that magic moment where I get some energy. Even that is wishing for a lot. I know in my last post a few months back I wrote about my extreme dizziness. That dizziness has taken a turn into full blown mindfuckedness. I can't think straight, this light from the computer screen is killing my eyes, I cry. I cry and I cry and I cry.

I think it is only fair for my readers to know what is going on. If one of my beloved blogs disappeared I would be concerned and want to know why! So here it goes...

I have been to the doctor 9 times in 3 months, and nothing like being at these appointments and having doctors look you straight in the face and say "You are a very sick girl, Rashel." Stab me in my heart already. 2 cardiologists, 1 endocrinologist from the Mayo Clinic, 1 ENT and the rest just to my M.D. (This is also 2nd, 3rd and 4th visits to new and old docs) After so many tests, we are coming down to the final conclusion that I have POTS (Postural Orthostatic Tachycardia Syndrome) or some other form of Dysautonomia.  You can click on the link (if you care to read...) and it will explain what I have been going through for just about 2.5 years. Finally coming to an end of just getting a diagnosis is a relief, but the hardest part is there is no cure, but I will be able to take medication to control symptoms (and hopefully get some life back!). The absolute worst part of this is they know it was caused by my pregnancy. That is what makes me cry more than anything. I always wanted a child, better yet a girl. I always wanted a fantastic man in my life. I got him and we had my girl. I got what I wanted, but I never in my entire life expected to get this illness along with it.

I am not writing this to get fucking sympathy. I am writing this so more people are educated about this problem. I know to the outside world I look perfectly healthy, and maybe someone around you is dealing with the same problem. Don't blow them off, don't blow me off. It's real. It right now is more real than my life. I am pulling myself up on my own, slowly.  I meditate daily, I started online yoga, YogaGlo, and it has been so refreshing since I cannot workout without being in extreme pain. I have also ordered bovine colostrum which is an amazing supplement (trust me, a post is coming on this one).

I am not giving up. People around me may be giving up on me, but I have to much to live for. My sweet daughter, my supportive and ever loving husband, my amazing family, and my dear, sweet friends who don't mind when my house is a complete mess and want to come over and hang out because they understand that somedays I just can't really move. That is what keeps my head up.

I have love swirling all around me, and with that I will get better.

 I just need some time.

Xo