I am on a path that has been pretty destructive as of late. Unhealthy. Rage. Self loathing. Bawling my eyes out. Other unmentionable behavior.
It's unacceptable. I know this. Sometimes, I believe you have to do the exact opposite of what you would normally do in times of crisis. Lick your wounds your own way, not the way you normally would or how others tell you to. A way that only helps you. Even if it makes you look like a crazy lunatic.
This year has been full of shutthefuckupedness. It has been nothing that I would wish upon anyone. There have been some fantastic moments, yes. If I could hold those moments in the palms of my hands and breathe in the beauty as they happened, I would be a better woman. Though that is not the case. I do yoga, meditate and just started reiki attunments with a great friend of mine. What more can I do? What more can I do for this Universe? I ask myself this everyday. Maybe I should shut my fucking mouth and have some true SILENCE so I can hear the answer.
What do you do when you feel like everything you grab onto turns into sand? What is your strength? Leave me some comments. Let's talk. I need a therapy session.
7 comments:
God is my streangth in the hard times. Praying for you friend.
I know I have nothing on you Amy when it comes to this subject. I feel like my problems are a grain of salt compared to what you have gone through in the last year...
This is how my life has been for quite some time now and I feel your pain and your crazyness.... When I feel I can no longer hold on because I have no more strength in me... I look back to the one person who proved to me that when times get hard you must work harder, when times are tough you must get tougher, and as much as I hate to say it sometimes one just has to be patient, mom never gave up and I try to hold on to that... Now when times get so unbearble that I feel like everyone would be better off if I no longer walked this earth I look at my boys and I know for a fact that what I am thinking is far from the truth, from those I draw my strength to move on, and of course having a good honest friend that wont sugar coat things just because they are afraid of hurting your feeling, one who will tell you the truth even when you dont want to hear it always helps... Quiet time alone with ones self when all others are gone or asleep when can be alone with your own thoughts with no interferrence from others and you can think your thoughts along with considering what others have said you can work out your own ideas and solutions... and of course prayer always helps, but I feel like one has to do more than just pray... If one does not like the road they are traveling they must change directions... because traveling down the same road hoping for a different outcome will not work... I love you honey, Aunt Laura
Rashel Dawn...I wish I could take my soul and jump into your body and bear(?) half of your load. I would happily do so. I am so sorry you have to go through this. I love you so much. Without you I am not me.
I read quotes by amazing people.
"I don’t know if I continue, even today, always liking myself. But what I learned to do many years ago was to forgive myself. It is very important for every human being to forgive herself or himself because if you live, you will make mistakes - it is inevitable. But once you do and you see the mistake, then you forgive yourself and say, “Well, if I’d known better I’d have done better,” that’s all. So you say to people you think you may have injured, “I’m sorry,” and then you say to yourself, “I’m sorry.” If we hold on to the mistake, we can’t see our own glory in the mirror because we have the mistake between our faces and the mirror; we can’t see what we’re capable of being. You can ask forgiveness of others, but in the end the real forgiveness is in one’s own self. I think that young men and women are so caught by the way they see themselves. Now mind you, when a larger society sees them as unattractive, as threats, as too black or too white or too poor or too fat or too thick or too sexual or too asexual, that’s rough. But you can overcome that. The real difficulty is to overcome how you think about yourself. If we don’t have that we never grow, we never learn, and sure as hell we should never teach." -Maya Angelou
I second the quote reading. I do a LOT of reading when life is way. too. fucking. much. It's mostly what keeps me afloat.Especially memoirs of the 'keep on' type. Anything by Anne Lamott. I also exercise because that keeps the anxiety at bay. And take high dose daily fish oil to keep the depression at bay. And watch funny movies and laugh despite myself. And treat yourself to small things you love, like a great coffee. And hot baths, and walks in nature. And Woody Allen movies.
xo
hmm..i had serious depression some yrs ago and i thought i could drown them with alcohol and go out clubbing kissing some strangers...and yes it felt right for a second - and i felt more alive for another second and there it was again. this deep sadness without a "real" reason. i still struggle with that feelings of sadness and emptyness and just to be a burden for everyone and everything - but i made a deal with me which includes that i wanna "feel" live again. like shower everyday (not only because of the hygiene - just to feel your body), to go out everyday (cause i tend to stay at home and just be on my own when i am depressed), to be a lil bit selfish at times (cause i am use to make everyone around me satisfied), to allow me for being me, to do sports ...the only thing that doesnt work is to connect to ppl. i know a bunch of ppl but i think i dont have close friends - i just cant trust anybody..i dont know why..even my boyfriend had to work on this about a year - that i could speak everything in my mind..
hmm and what also helped me is to have a passion...for me it is just reading travelling art and writing..it makes me feel "alive" and not just that i "exist"..
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