Friday Daydreams

I dream of the impending weeks, months. I dream of how everything as I know it will change, again. I dream of Scout in her big sister role, helping me, being so big, bigger than I really want her to be...

Friday Daydreams

Spring is taunting me with it's warmth and blooms. Today it has tucked itself away in the clouds giving us a cool 60 degrees and I am dreaming that next week will bring even warmer weather. I am dreaming of a life without dizziness....again. It's a constant dream. Life before head injury is turning into far away memories. I don't know if I have even told the blog world that all of my dizziness was figured out. I have post concussive syndrome. I have never put two and two together while going to doctor after doctor trying to figure this out. It was finally diagnosed in November 2010.
In early 2009 (feb or early march) I was cleaning my bathroom. In this particular bathroom there was a long cabinet, about 5 feet, that went right above the sink and below the mirror. It went out past the sink about a foot. I was alway bumping into it. This particular evening I was picking up laundry that missed the basket. I didn't realize that I had squated right under the cabinet. I stood up full force into the damn thing. I hit the left side of my head, side and back, with such force that I blacked out. It was so loud that Nick came running in there, scared that I had fallen. I didn't black out for long, he helped me up and I started sobbing. I remember feeling like such a baby, but it hurt so bad I couldn't even think straight. Shortly thereafter I expierenced my first full blown, don't touch me, throwing up, no noise, keep the lights off migraine.
This has been a long journey. I question daily, why me? Why didn't I pay attention to what I was doing? Why?!?!?!?! The sad thing is this wasn't the first time this has happened. When I was 18 I stood up into a cabinet (they hate me!!). I had to go to the emergency room and found out I had a bad concussion. Also when I was 18 I was in a bad wreck that caused my head to bounce off of the dashboard. Needless to say I have had quite a bit of head trauma in the last 10 years of my life. It all just finally caught up with me.
This syndrome could get better, and I am hoping with everything I have that it will. I want to open my eyes and feel no dizziness, no pressure, no headaches, no emotional breakdowns, no depression, no anxiety. I will open my eyes and be back to where I was in 2008. I will. I know it! So today I dream. I dream of myself this summer. Driving. Playing. Running. I dream of myself next year and the year after. I dream of myself healthy and strong. My dreams are powerful. They always have been.

Friday Daydreams

I would be a lying to myself right now if my daydream didn't include a warm sunny place. This weather is bananas. All I can think about is getting sand in my hair and putting my toes in the salty sea. I truly hate cold weather. Like for real for real. We do not get along. It makes me cringe to look outside and see that even MORE snow is falling. Day 5 of it.

I need a shot of tequila followed by a chilada. Make that 20.

Let's take a trip back to Tulum, Mexico and pretend none of this is happening.....

(cannot believe it's been almost 4 years since i have been to the beach. vacation needed pronto.)

Friday Daydreams

"Looking back you realize that a very special person passed briefly through your life-and it was you. It's not to late to find that person again." - Robert Brault

I dream of a time when my mind wasn't wrapped in anxieties, panic. I remember the girl who had in under control even though her world was out of control.

I dream of a place that takes it all away. The place where things never happen, because happening is how it got to be this way in the first place.

I dream of finding that person, I remember her so vividly. Laughing, dancing, seeing straight, same eyes as me. Yet so different from my eyes now.

I will find that person again.

And it will not be the last thing I do.

Friday Daydreams

My asthma has been insane for the last 3 months. I have had 2 upper respiratory infections and those have really knocked me on my ass. I got a steroid shot on Wednesday because my blood oxygen level is really low and now I am on steroid pills until I can be seen by the pulmonologist. The pills are making me crazy, emotional, body aching, headaches, panicky. What we do to breathe right! Ugh. Anyways, I have been daydreaming all day about where I would want to go right now instead of dealing with this crap. Here is my pick....

Holy deliciousness!!!!

Usually I would want to be on a beach but I can totally picture myself curled up in this amazing tree house with my journal, a fuzzy blanket and some chai tea.

The birds singing, just enough warmth coming in through the windows.

Yep, I am totally here in my mind.

xo